I keep putting off this blog because I do not want to deal with grief. No one WANTS to deal with it. It’s HARD, emotions are hard! It is so much easier to ignore it, to not deal with it. Although unfortunately, as the saying goes, if you don’t deal with them they will deal with you. Usually, for me anyway, it takes the form of overwhelming emotion out of seemingly no where. I am so totally disconnected from my emotions at times I will wonder what my problem is. Why I am on the brink of tears constantly. Then I realize “oh it’s an anniversary of something terrible.”

When my parents were in the middle of their divorce and completely involving me right in the middle of everything, I headed the absolute emotional turmoil off at the pass – I ran. I would go to the gym and run and run and think about how angry I was at them. Imagine what I wanted to scream in their faces. I would imagine my hands were giant Hulk hands and I’d emphatically thrust them down each time I’d start a new stride. I would think of the big angry hole that had been punched into the ground from the aforementioned hulk smashing. It helped a lot and I needed help, since I already had the normal stress of taking care of two small children on top of all of the parental nonsense.

When my parents in law died it was a bit more tricky because my children were still somewhat small and my husband was needed elsewhere a lot of the time (understandably so). I remember taking care of the kids all day then listening to him unload emotionally late into the evening. By this time, thankfully, I had started my Pilates Mat apprenticeship. I had been trained to use my breath and get into my body. To block the rest of the world out and just concentrate on exactly what my body needed at that moment in that second. Not what my kids needed or my husband needed but what my body needed.

Now I KNEW all of this, but did I take a moment out to practice this? Of course not! Not until I was at a real crisis point, where everything was falling apart. Where I could barely open my mouth without completely wanting to weep. It was only then that I started to concentrate on myself. My physical needs which then translated over to my emotional needs. Moving and calming and quieting my body, leading directly to calming my tumultuous state of mind.

When my mother died I had started working at a new Pilates Studio, Pilates Plus. In fact she died on the day I was supposed to start. The owner was more than understanding when I needed to take the rest of that week and the next off. My mother died right before school started so it was amazingly stressful trying to button up her life while simultaneously getting the kids all set for the start of school. But – running purely on fumes – I was back at work. At that time I was only certified to teach Mat Pilates. I had discussed joining the apparatus apprenticeship program that was already in progress, but it was just too expensive at the time.

Thankfully as a teacher at the studio I was welcome to take the classes there including the apparatus classes (as long as there was an open spot). It was a great experience having a new type of movement to wrap my head around. A new place to teach whatever I wanted to try. The owner – Jodi – was completely supportive of whatever type of class I wanted to give a go. I had a great time working on moves and formats, trying different days and times. Eventually I joined the other apprentices and began learning how to teach Pilates on the apparatus <for more on that experience see https://alignrochester.wordpress.com/2018/06/19/pilates-education-part-2-apparatus-apprenticeship/ >.

As I slowly began to get to know our clients I had a real support system in place. I worked hard to take care of their bodies and they in turn cared about me. I shared what I was going through and what I had gone through. Together we created a caring community. People do not understand what an intimate experience it is when you move your physical selves around in a room with other people. That physical movement and connection, of course translates over to the emotional. Through that experience I had something positive to focus on while at the same time not ignoring my feelings. Many of those clients had been through the exact same thing I had and were wonderful sources of encouragement. In fact two of my long time clients (who I inherited from Jodi at that studio) are just like mothers to me. I really feel that I received exactly what I needed when I began my time at Pilates Plus.

So let me advise you my friends who may be dealing with something awful. Something that you must grieve. Please move your body. Even if it’s not something you are presently doing very much. Even if it’s just a little bit. Even if it’s just walking around your living room or outside of your house. Even if it’s just stretching. The most important thing, at least in my experience, is to be able to remove yourself from the crazy, awful, stressful mess that may be your new norm. To give your physical needs some attention so that you can in turn be more attuned to your emotional needs. When my in laws died I could not get out of the house so I worked out in my basement and bedroom whenever my kids were either asleep or my husband was there to watch them. But if you’re able to get out consider trying a class somewhere, you can usually find a deal at most places on your first class. Bring a friend for support! At the very least you can talk to each other about how much you hated it. At the very most maybe you’ll find a supportive community you love and friends that you will have forever.

For more information on specific things you can do physically to improve emotional health see <https://alignrochester.wordpress.com/2019/02/19/please-listen-to-me-your-mental-health-is-directly-tied-to-your-physical-health-really/ >.